FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE

 My intention for writing this piece IS peace ~ within and without. It's long, and it gets a little rough, but please stay with me ~ until the end.

YESTERDAY, I saw a glimpse...so I bought a hat, and ended up married. TODAY, I am searching for that glimpse...I know it is there. TOMORROW is a new day. I can make it or break it. My choice.


There has been more than the usual amount of stress in our household. They say "job change" is one of the biggest stressors in someone's life. After watching my husband go through several job changes, I'd say that I totally agree. It has been said that it's not the "change" that bothers us, it's the "resistance" to the change. Change scares us. We like our routines, we like our comfort zones. 

It's easy for me to see how Erik has grown and has even welcomed this change on some level, but I'm not sure that he's buying into that. He's afraid. Maybe even a little afraid he will fail; therefore, failing us. We don't feel that way, though. I know there is a light at the end of this obstacle course for him. And considering how most of us usually take out our stress on the ones closest to us--the ones we love the most--I really hope that he sees that light soon, for everyone's sake.

Never, in my life, have I known someone who cares for me the way my husband does. He is constantly trying and doing his best to provide for me and make me happy. He loves to be the hero, and we all benefit from that. Not one to live in the past, he seldom holds a grudge. Always thinking of what he can do to make our lives better is his top priority, though I often feel he should be taking better care of himself. He would choose being with me, over not, most any day. He has an innate gift for knowing how to make someone feel physically good. His touch is comforting, healing, powerful. Yes, I am very blessed. The roles that we have assumed as "provider" and "homemaker/mom" seem to work for us and against us. It all depends on the day, our moods (it's funny how our own moods can color how we think we feel about someone), and our checking account balance.

"Anything for a lover

Anything for a friend

I only wanna see you happy

Baby can we pretend

I'd give anything to see you dance

I'd give anything to see you smile

But baby doesn't want just anything

She wants everything" 

- The Afghan Whigs, John the Baptist  

And never, in my life, have I known someone whose harsh words and temper can crush me the way his can. He knows all of my soft spots and weaknesses. The location of my triggers is no secret to him. It's easy to get a rise and reaction out of someone when you know what drives them: what they care and worry about. This man has the power to turn a pleasant day into a raging disaster. His strong energy and loud voice when directed negatively at me can make me feel very low, very worthless. Many days he has taken the wind right out of my sails, so to speak.When he is miserable, most everyone around him is miserable--especially, me.

 "A smile that won't wash away

Can you look out the window 
Without your shadow getting in the way

Oh, you're so beautiful with an edge and a charm 
But so careful when I'm in your arms

'Cause you're working , building a mystery, 
Holding on and holding it in

Yeah, you're working , building a mystery 
And choosing so carefully

You woke up screaming aloud 
A prayer from your secret god

You feed off your fears and hold back your tears

Give us a tantrum and a know it all grin
Just when we need one when the evening's thin"

- Sarah McLachlan, Building a Mystery

So many try to make themselves feel better by making another feel worse, yet condescending and belittling remarks only lead to damage. Trying to prove yourself "smart" and "right" is a losing battle. There can be a fine line between needing to be right and wanting to be happy. Most arguments just aren't worth the hassle they cause: no one wins. Over time, truth will tell. 

"Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner

Sometimes I feel like my only friend...

I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day

Take me to the place I love, take me all the way..."

- Red Hot Chili Peppers, City of Angels

  

My grandma, Jayne, once told me that he was training me, due to the German in him. I laughed, but agreed with the "training" part. As one of my girlfriend's says: "I no longer get mad, I just get tired." Sooner or later you do get tired, and then you come to the realization that you deserve to be treated well consistently.

"Baby, you come knocking on my front door 

Same old line you used to use before
And I said, yeah, well, what am I supposed to do?
I didn't know what I was getting into
So you've had a little trouble in town
Now you're keeping some demons down
Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my
Stop draggin' my heart around
It's hard to think about what you've wanted
It's hard to think about what you've lost
This doesn't have to be the big get even
This doesn't have to be anything at all"
- Stevie Nicks, Stop Draggin' My Heart Around

I attribute much of Erik's tone to his childhood. He grew up in a house with lots of brothers. Sarcasm was a way of life--a way to survive. His mom, who is naturally soft- spoken, and unconditionally loves him, was and is able to tolerate this type of communication and behavior much more so than I am. I have many sarcastic bones in my body, yet I find sarcasm, when directed toward me from a loved one, to be very hurtful.

"Don't say words you're gonna regret

Don't let the fire rush to your head

I've heard the accusation before

And I ain't gonna take any more

Believe me, the sun in your eyes

Made some of your lies worth believing"

- Alan Parsons Project, Eye In the Sky       

I'm not sure how capable we are of truly loving someone unconditionally, other than the love we have for our children and our pets. The feat of loving ourselves unconditionally is probably even easier than loving a parent, sibling, spouse, or friend unconditionally. With that being said, those closest to us--the ones we love the most--are usually the ones we hate the most. Why? Because they perfectly reflect our shortcomings; especially, the ones we do not want to admit to and forgive.

"Please don't leave me, baby

Please don't leave me yet

If you stay with me, 
That don't mean we have to stay the same

If you stay with me baby, 
You and me could change the game"

- DMB, The Riff

Let me add that I often have unflattering moments as well: I'm no prize myself. I'm sensitive and moody, and I like to be alone. All too easily I can be drawn into the drama that surrounds. I become easily stressed and overwhelmed and often take that out on my family. The urgency I feel to "do" something with my life in order to make money for our family only works against us all. My memory can easily recall many of the "touchy" events that could be used against another to cause them the pain that they are causing me in the heat of the moment. My inner-child within can become very nasty and immature, when threatened, provoked, or attacked. I surprise and shock myself with what can come out of my mouth when in the line of attack.

"All that I say, you always say more

I can't keep up with your turning tables

Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me

No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me

I can't give you what you think you gave me...

As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down"

- Adele, Turning Tables

  

Needless to say, our marriage has its ups and downs--its highs and its lows. Trying to discern daily if we are friends or foes--teammates or enemies--is bothersome to me. I've even seriously contemplated if one or both of us are bipolar--but I don't think we are. We just have never learned how to communicate and express our anger to another in a friendly manner. "It's not what you said, it's how you said it," could be our war motto. 

 "Do not confuse the length of your relationship with its quality."

- Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God

Our marriage of 18 years may be the legal age of an adult, yet its personality can be that of a 3 year old throwing a tantrum. This may surprise some. My mask is a little more transparent than Erik's around other people. He plays a good game; one I wish I played better. 

  

"I don't wanna live here no more

I don't wanna stay

Ain't gonna spend the rest of my life

Quietly fading away...

Games people play, you take it or you leave it

Things that they say, just don't make it right

If I'm tellin' you the truth right now, do you believe it

Games people play in the middle of the night" 
- Alan Parsons Project, Games People Play
  

Trying to be good little kids by keeping our mouths shut has only added to our volatile communication pattern now. Please...let me be heard! Both sets of our parents divorced, so we never really had a healthy marriage example to learn from. Now, we learn from falling down over and over again. We both see how all of our parents are happier now, yet the option of "divorce" is one that we both never wish to endure for several reasons. Why would we want to go through that again? So...we are committed. 

"You've got your ball, you've got your chain

Tied to me tight, tie me up again

Who's got their claws in you, my friend?

Into your heart I'll beat again...

If I've gone overboard, then I'm begging you

To forgive me in my haste...

I'm the king of the castle, you're the dirty rascal

Crash into me...

I will be your Dixie chicken, if you be my Tennessee lamb

And we can walk together down in Dixie Land"

- DMB, Crash Into Me

We are both first-born control freaks, who like to think that they are always right. We want to be smart, we want to be valued. Anger arises when others do not agree with us: we take it as a personal slight. Instead of being grateful for what we do have, we tend to compare ourselves to those families that are better-off (or at least seem to be). This--the grass is always greener--way of thinking only frustrates and weakens us. It keeps us in a cycle of never ending unhappiness. 

"Yet be not quick to judge another. Rather, seek to avoid judgment, for another person's "wrongs" were your "rights" of yestermorn; another person's mistakes are your own past actions, now corrected; another person's choices and decisions are as "hurtful" and "harmful," as "selfish" and "unforgiveable," as many of your own have been."

- Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God

Feeling responsible for and taking each other's moods personally only leads to confusion and upset. Whenever I voice my upset, regarding pretty much anything, it is met with a resistance that results in an argument. Instead of receiving the understanding, reassurance, or consolation that would help melt my "moment," I receive an earful about why I am wrong to feel the way that I do. Ignoring complaints can sometimes solve them better than fighting them. 

"Who is strong? He that can conquer his bad habits."

- Benjamin Franklin

"Trust" seems to be an issue, as well. Often, our intentions are misunderstood. For fear of being scolded by the other, we both keep certain things to ourselves. This causes a feeling of uncertainty and then undue questioning occurs. When all I wish to do is be completely me, out in the open.

"They say that he who is without sin casts the first stone. And to be without sin requires absolute forgiveness. But when your memories are freshly opened wounds, forgiveness is the most unnatural of human emotions."
- Emily, Revenge

When something goes wrong, the "blame game" is always our first line of defense. Pointing a finger and finding fault in the other makes us feel less responsible for the mishap. 

"Your wife is always right. Very simple. I think I'm going to get it tattooed on my forehead."

- Hugh Jackman, Best Marital Advice

Sonia Choquette's
'Ask Your Guides' Oracle Card Deck

Struggling and striving to always be doing the right thing causes much skepticism and judgment between us. Our egos love to keep track of our work, play, and rest schedules. It's as if we keep score: Who has done what (who's worked hard and suffered more), who deserves what. While our souls know all along that it's not what we are "doing" that makes us happy, it's how we are "being" that causes true joy. Remembering that this isn't a competition--it's a marriage of souls--would serve us both oh-so very well.

"He who blames others has a long way to go on his journey. He who blames himself is halfway there. He who blames no one has arrived."

- Chinese Proverb

There is a definite energetic bond between us. No words needed, we can sense what the other is feeling. These energetic "cords"  as they are called are invisible to the eye, yet visible to one with an open third eye: a clairvoyant. The cords are formed due to extreme emotional feelings--good or bad. "Strings" are attached and an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship takes shape. 
  

"Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am home again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am whole again...

However faraway, I will always love you

However long I stay, I will always love you

Whatever words I say, I will always love you

I will always love you"

- The Cure, Lovesong

Though it is easy to "catch" energy from someone who is the same room as you, it is even easier for the energy of someone you are bonded to to be contagious. I can be as calm as the sea, and if Erik's in an explosive mood, I am often quickly pulled right in, never realizing what even hit me. 

"In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two."

- Erich Fromm

 

That is why it is so important to not be tied to another. You have to ride your own roller coaster. Emotional imbalance, as well as physical ailments, can be exchanged via these cords. You need your energy to stay within you--to guard and protect your love--to stay your course. 

"I'm not saying

I'm replacing love 
For some other word

To describe the sacred tie

That bound me to you

I'm just saying

We've mistaken one 
For thousands of words

And for that mistake

I've caused you such pain" 
- 10,000 Maniacs, Jezebel

Our dog, Barley, is very well aware of any "energetic" discord within us or our home. Like many animals, he has a keen sense and knows when things aren't "right." Any kind of negative commotion will send Barley scurrying away. He is smart. He knows to distance himself from the draining negativity; he's protecting himself. I watch for this: when Barley quickly moves away, I know to either take cover or lower my voice and low-energy output.  

 "The space between the tears we cry

Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more

The space between the wicked lies we tell

And hope to keep safe from the pain...

Look at us spinning out in the madness of a roller coaster

You know you went off like the Devil in a church

In the middle of a crowded room

All we can do, my love, is hope we don't take this ship down"

- DMB, The Space Between

The more centered and grounded that I become, the less appealing this type of relationship is to me. My inner desire to live in a peaceful atmosphere is taking precedent. Walking on eggshells is not fun and enjoyable. I want to know what to expect, and I want to feel loved and accepted. I now know that I deserve that much from another. To receive, I must give and allow, as well.

"You can't make me angry

You can't make me mad

You can't even cause me

To feel bad or sad

You can pout like crazy

You can hurl abuse

I won't feel I'm lazy

Chuck your slurs, they're just no use"

- Julia Cameron, The Vein of Gold

As my self-esteem and confidence increase, I sense a fear within my husband. A fear that I will no longer need him, a fear that I may leave. He has long loved to be the leader: the one who everyone turns to. My lack of financial success is often criticized, yet I am also able to see that any prospering of my own could very well be considered a threat. My man requires much attention. And when I am spending so much of my time writing--a possible way for me to eventually contribute--he becomes disgruntled, insecure, confused. I may be needing and seeking some kind of independence, but it's an independence that we will all benefit from. Really, all I want is to live in a peaceful and loving environment--a place to call home. I'm not looking to leave.

"Oh look at how she listens

She says nothing of what she thinks

She just goes stumbling through her memories

Staring out onto Grey Street

She thinks~hey, how did I come to this?

I dream myself a thousand times around the world

But I can't get out of this place

There's an emptiness inside her

And she'd do anything to fill it in

But all the colors mix together~to grey

And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different

She prays to God most every night

And though she swears it doesn't listen

There's still a hope in her it might"

- DMB, Grey Street

     

Although, just last week I did want to leave.... But there was nowhere for me to go; I don't have many options. There's no "family" house for me to run back to, no safety net (at least not a visible one). My mom has a husband and cats; my dad has a girlfriend and nice bachelor pad in the city; my sister doesn't have the room and my brother-in-law would need to be on board. My closest friends can't accommodate me either. And neighbors are naturally off-limits. I don't have the funds to go out and get a place of my own (and that is probably a good thing). Besides, I need to be at home--I want to be at home. This is where I feel comfortable--even when I don't. This is where I belong.

"Baby

Don't make me worry aboutcha

You look so sad

What'd ya do, to make ya so blue?

I have to ask ya, where do you go?

You look so faraway sometimes

I don't know, where do you go?

I wanna go"

 - The Afghan Whigs, The Slide Song 

If I ultimately see me being right here, right now, because I followed my intuition and pursued a relationship with this man, then I better trust that my intuition was right, as well as the sometimes "hidden" agenda of "us" and follow-through. 

"For it was not into my ear that  you whispered but my heart; it was not my lips that you kissed but my soul."

- Judy Garland

 

This may sound corny... 19 years ago, from across the room, I sensed a deepness within him. His eyes spoke to me. I wasn't actively looking for someone to date, but the feeling that I felt made me wonder. We'd been casual acquaintances for about 8 years prior, yet we were both always dating someone else, so I never even thought of him in "that" way. At that moment, we were both single, yet he was preparing to move away. 

"I met my soul mate when I was 15 years old, and I have loved her every minute of every day since I first bought her that mint chocolate chip cone. I have loved her through the birth of my 3 perfect children. I have loved her even when I hated her--only married couples will understand that one...."

- Cal in Crazy, Stupid, Love

  

It was 1993, and the Chicago Bulls were in the play-offs. The idea to buy Erik a Bulls championship baseball hat as a going away gift crossed my mind. For once, I didn't ponder my idea: I just went out and bought the hat. I knew when he was leaving, so I made sure that I dropped the present off before his departure. And that was that. A few months after he moved, he began to call me; a few months after, he moved back. And a few months after he moved back, I became pregnant with our son--one of my pride and joys.

"Really what I want to say is that I'm still glad you bought me that ice cream." 

"Me, too."
- Emily & Cal in Crazy, Stupid, Love

  "And for you guys...here's what I know: If you came to me and said there are two people in the world that want you more than anything--they'll do their best, they'll make some mistakes, and you'll only get them for a short time, but they will love you more than you could ever imagine. Well, when that's true, I'd say, so much is possible."  

- Timothy in The Odd Life of Timothy Green

Some would say that was a royal "sin." And I pity them. There is nothing sinful about my son, or about the way he came to us. Shame on those teachings! Personally, I know that he came when he did as a way to keep me where I was supposed to be.

Although I'm one who loves organization (well, certain kinds), I run from "decisions" and "planning." I do not think that any time would have been a good time for me to get married and to have kids. It's been hard, but I'm glad that it happened the way that it did. The worst part has been the guilt that we have placed on ourselves: we were ill-prepared to have children (or so we thought). And those children do deserve the world.

"Before I say 
That the vows we made

Weigh like a stone in my heart
Family is family

Don't let this tear us apart

You lie there, an innocent baby

I feel like the thief

Who is raiding your home

Entering and breaking

And taking in every room

I know your feelings are tender

And that inside you the embers still glow"

- 10,000 Maniacs, Jezebel

We chose to get married just 3 weeks after Ethan was born. Not ideal timing, but we did it. It was a time of many, many announcements, invitations, and thank-yous. Once in a while, I do feel that I cheated myself out of some of the nice things: a bridal shower, bachelorette party, "big" wedding, honeymoon. But my mind and priorities were elsewhere. Also, I felt that I didn't really deserve those things. Honestly, planning a "big" wedding probably would have completely put me over-the-edge. I most likely would have woken up on my wedding day with a migraine. The saddest thing for me is our lack of quality photographs. The saddest thing for Erik: he didn't get to see me dance with my dad.... 

"From the moment we're born we are drawn to form a union with others, an abiding drive to connect, to love, to belong. In a perfect union, we find the strength we cannot find in ourselves, but the strength of the union cannot be known until it is tested."

- Emily, Revenge

 

"They" say that you are either attracted to someone who has similar physical features as you or the exact opposite, as well as someone whose personality mirrors yours or completes yours. As for Erik and I: Our personalities both complement and clash; we aren't like many stereotypical couples. We have similar coloring, 3 identical beauty marks that form the same triangle-shape on our left backsides, both love Dave Matthews Band, and are passionate about making things look good. Regarding our children and what's important: we usually do not see eye-to-eye. We are strict concerning different things; thus, the power struggle between who is the wiser parent begins.

For those who understand astrology, Erik is a Leo-Taurus-Taurus, and I am a Cancer-Leo-Gemini. Easier put: Erik is fire, I am water. He is a proud and roaring lion, who comes across as an obstinate and strong bull(y), who exhibits an incredible amount of stamina. (I swear he must see me as wearing and flagging red daily.) I am a sensitive and moody "crab" with a hard outer-shell, yet a soft, nurturing heart, who comes across as a proud and roaring lion, who is intellectual and interested in research, usually feeling pulled by both sides of the coin.

Our "soul signs" don't quite mesh well, either. Erik demonstrates a Warrior Soul, while my heart is that of a Traveler Soul. Warriors tend to be intimidating, headstrong, and demanding--yet this ability enables them to win battles and achieve positive results. Travelers tend to shy away from commitment, and try hard to steer clear of emotional baggage. Their intent focus on career or personal growth can be frustrating to those around them--yet their unfettered perspective allows them to see life's big picture very well. The way I see it, we must respect one another's drive, while knowing it is Heaven sent.

We do balance and complete each other: I am the "yin," Erik the "yang." I'm the list-writer, and he' s the do-er. Yin is akin to the moon: Naturally more introverted and mental (no pun intended), with a tendency to be sullen and negative (probably due to all the thinking....). Yang is akin to the sun: Naturally more extroverted and physical, with a positive, energetic predisposition (tipping the scales toward anger at times). We are a great working team when our sights are the same. We tend to see the "prize" differently: I seek inner peace, along with personal success, while Erik seeks material gain, along with worldly success.

"Whatever the circumstances of your life, the understanding of 'type' can make your perceptions clearer, your judgments sounder, and your life closer to your heart's desire."

- Isabel Briggs Myers, The Myers Briggs Test (Carl Jung) 

 

Speaking of mental.... In an attempt to make things smoother here at home by "correcting" myself--my attempt at "Pleasantville"--I have been able to get my doctor to prescribe me medication in the past; what a surprise! I spent years playing that game. I can't say that there were any winners. 

At first you try the ultra-popular, sedating-like antidepressants, hoping they will make you calm, happy, and functionable. Tired, fat, and quiet is what I became from those. Sure, things were easier because my life was being filtered. I made no noise: I didn't yell, cry, or laugh. Nothing had really changed though, except my perception and tolerance. I was disconnected from reality and from my own inner voice. 

If those fail, you move on to the more activating drugs: the ones that can help with motivation and focus. Those can be okay if you live alone and are never interrupted. Because once you are focused on a project, who wants to stop to make dinner? The more I get done, the better I feel about myself, yet on that type of medication,  projects were completed at the emotional expense of my loved ones. I was too driven and very edgy. I found myself hating the people who I normally loved.

So, at one point, I became a zombie-like wife and mom who just went with the flow; and, at another point, I became a super-motivated and slightly crazy person who was able to catch-up on all the projects that I was too lazy to complete while taking those other "happy" pills. There was no "happy" medium. Even when I combined both or took a dual-acting medication, I was "off."

The bottom line: Pills don't change who you really are or who your husband really is; they alter your perception and your personality. Sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worse. Then again, I know several people who take those types of medication and they love them, for now. The pills have saved their lives, saved their marriages--or so it seems. If I could find a pill that made me feel better--made my life better--I'd take it. I just haven't come across one that works well for me.

"The scars of your love remind me of us...

I can't help feeling

We could have had it all...

Turn my sorrow into treasured gold..."

- Adele, Rolling in the Deep

The funny thing is, due to the fact that Erik ignores his well-being, he is the one who would probably benefit from taking a daily dose. We all need stress outlets--ways to alleviate tension--and I'm all over them--maybe to a fault at times. You can't go through life pushing the stress inward: you will explode or get sick. I often feel I am living in the middle of a natural disaster: earthquake; volcanic eruption; tornado; hurricane; tsunami.... You get my drift. The challenge and opportunity that I am frequently offered is how to stay calm amidst a storm. Though I often succeed, I often fail as well.

"If I was a winner

I'd cut the cards and deal them

Buy a great big house

Where we could disappear

But you find yourself a sweet spot

People wanna get some

You're just another dead man 
Tryin' to fool the world...

If you're goin' out tonight

Maybe I catch a ride

Maybe we lose our minds tonight

Fall until we fly"

- DMB, Rooftop

Something that is so sad to me, is the way Erik purposely tunes out his "inner" knowing and resources. He disregards his soul. And what makes me even more sad, regardless of how hard I try to remind him, is that I feel it is partly my fault. Due to the fact that he is the breadwinner because I have chosen to not begin a career with kids at home, he has to be extremely practical and realistic in a worldly way. I believe that he could get some extra help from our "invisible" helpers, if he'd just be open and ask, but he doesn't seem to want to go there. It's too much for him to integrate those two different ways of being.

And it confuses me how someone who has had so many metaphysical experiences: seeing the "light;" being outside of his body and over us while we were sleeping; knowing when "others" are around; seeing my just-deceased grandpa walking up to our front door at the very moment I mentally invited him to come and visit us; knowing the moment my grandma passed on--along with then seeing and communicating with her; routinely hearing his "transitioned" grandfather's voice while in the house his grandfather used to live; the ability to see the colors that surround a person in their auric field; instantly knowing just where my back hurts and being able to heal the pain; etc. 

"You could be my silver springs

Blue green colors flashin'

I would be your only dream

Your shining autumn, ocean crashing"

- Fleetwood Mac, Silver Springs

 

What I do give him is the permission to discuss these events, abilities, and gifts with me. The "unseen" is very interesting to me, and I am open to and encourage him to feel at ease. At least, I do not call him "crazy." I offer acceptance, comfort, understanding, and even explanation.

  "You see everything, you see every part

You see all my light and you love my dark

You dig everything of which I'm ashamed

There's not anything to which you can't relate

And you're still here"

- Alanis Morisette, Everything

What I believe to be true is that Erik is my mirror--he reflects to me my true colors. He communicates to me exactly what I expect from him and exactly how I am feeling about myself or him at the time. When I focus on loving him, he loves me back. When I focus on his faults, it is chaos. For this, I thank him. He is unveiling my unconscious beliefs about myself, about life. Those beliefs that were instilled in me even before birth from my parent's vibrations, maybe even from my past lives. So, what am I to do? I am to love and accept them away. I am me here in this moment, I am not me from the past, or from my parents' past. That I must remember--especially, in the heat of the moment.

"Yesterday's failures are today's seeds that must be diligently planted to be able to abundantly harvest tomorrow's successes."

- Author Unknown

As I welcome independence, more distraction is finding its way into my life. Distraction that I may unconsciously create for fear of what this independence may bring: change. If I see myself being able to become more independent through writing, then the fear of my words may very well disrupt me in more than one way. The fluctuation and ruckus of an unstable relationship offers me much distraction and disruption from my work, my writing, my peace. If I believe that I am truly responsible for Erik's behavior--that I am creating it to sabotage myself--there lies my freedom. Yes: self-sabotage. This awareness may be the key to my independence--my future.

"After decades of elusion, we find each other. What happiness! We both are shy, we both are young, we make our way toward each other awkwardly but with a shared understanding, a certainty. He is strong and sweet and golden, and I am wearing a red dress that I never in reality owned. We don't say much because it's not necessary. And then--a miracle--we kiss, we are kissing. This is all I ever wanted: to come back to you, to be held by you, for what existed between us not to be cut short, and especially not at my hand."  

- Alice, American Wife

There is always the chance that I am blocking the flow of love from entering into my life. When your heart has been truly open and has loved and given to another, yet has been crushed, it can be scary to open it back up again. It is a risk. A risk worth taking, I think. The trick is to find someone who can offer you reciprocal love. Trying to make it work with someone who treats you worse than you treat yourself, is idiotic and futile. My advice: Don't look for love--let it happen, naturally. Then again, when you share your vulnerability with another, and then when they are in a valley, they use it against you, it teaches you to be cautious. How can you fully trust someone when they are in a "good" mood, if when they are in a "bad" mood they steamroll right over you: faults, feelings, everything.

"Now I tell you openly
You have my heart so don't hurt me
You're what I couldn't find"

- Cranberries, Dreams

Hoping that my husband will still love me after reading this, I must let him know that at certain points while writing this that I had an awful stomach ache, which is a rare occurrence for me, and also a pounding headache. What I have shared has been hard to admit, and even harder to write. I interpret the pain as "negative" energy being stirred-up within, moving through and out of me. So maybe this piece has been healing for me, after all. 

"Take my hand 'cause we're walking out of here

Oh, right out of here, love is all we need, dear"

- DMB, The Space Between

Erik felt pain too while I was writing this. I had just begun and had only a few paragraphs completed when he called me downstairs. He thought he was having a heart attack. He felt uneasy and whipped off his heavy, platinum wedding ring that was causing him discomfort. Similarly, the way my words were tearing apart our marriage. Whenever Erik starts a new job, he ends up in the hospital for some reason, so I took the moment as a panic attack. Now, I consider that he was feeling emotional pain from my writing due to our bond.

"Our bodies have many parts, but the many parts make up only one body when they are all put together. So it is with the "body" of Christ. Each of us is a part of the one body of Christ. Some of us are Jews, some are Gentiles, some are slaves and some are free. But the Holy Spirit has fitted us all together into one body."

- 1 Corinthians 12-13

I hope this has not caused him any extra pain, but has made some things clear: All we really need is love--for our Source, for ourselves, and for one another. We are all One, & LOVE is my decision.

CLICK HERE for DailyOM's article, "The Journey of Commitment: Entering into Commitment" 

CLICK HERE for DailyOM's article, "The Dance of Intimacy: Coming Back to Center in a Relationship"

CLICK HERE for DailyOM's article, "How to Create a More Loving Relationship" 

CLICK HERE for DailyOM's article, "Sharing Space and Energy: Cohabitating with Others" 

*All the song lyrics in this post may seem to be an overkill, yet Erik's soul resonates to music, mine to words. It may be one way for me to express how I am feeling--in a way he will understand--that will benefit us both.*